Dad Mode: Half Time, Full Heart

Today the boys went to stay with their mum for the first time since she moved out. So for the next four nights, it’s just me.

Before all this began, when I thought we were a happy, intact family, the idea of a few days to myself sounded like a dream. A chance to recharge, have a bit of headspace. But now… it feels completely different. It’s not something I wanted. I don’t want space — I want them here.

Everyone keeps saying I need to reframe this new time I have, to try and see it as an opportunity. I understand the intention, and maybe I’ll get there eventually, but right now it’s hard. I just want to be with the boys.

The youngest was upset earlier today, saying he didn’t want to go. I wanted to scoop him up and say, “I don’t want you to go either,” but instead I reassured him he’d be okay and that he’d have a good time. He’s temperamental at the best of times (he’ll often change his mind mid-sentence when he’s talking 😂), so I knew he’d bounce back — and he did. Within ten minutes, he was back to his usual, fun self. But it shows that he’s still figuring this all out, still trying to make sense of the changes.

Later I texted to ask if the boys wanted to say goodnight. The reply: “No, they’re outside playing and haven’t asked to speak to you, but if they do, of course I’ll let them.” It left me feeling confused and hurt. When the boys were with me, I checked in each day to ask if they wanted to call their mum — I didn’t wait for them to ask. I just did it, because I felt it was important.

I replied back that I wanted to talk to them and did get to have a quick chat with them to say goodnight and that I love them, but now I’m questioning myself. Was I wrong to ask? Am I overstepping? Did I upset her?

It’s hard not to spiral into those kinds of questions when emotions are running high.

I went shopping earlier and forgot I’m only shopping for one now. Cheaper — wahoo! Can finally buy fish without complaints — wahoo! But then the reality hits: I’m not cooking for a family anymore. And that bit… I hate.

On a more positive note — I went to the gym for the first time in 20 years. That’s something, right? Better than just sitting at home overthinking everything. I actually kind of enjoyed it. I’ve got work tomorrow, meeting a friend in the evening, more work the day after, then the gym induction, and another friend meet-up on Friday. Then finally, I get to see the boys again on Saturday.

I know I might crash at some point from trying to stay busy, and maybe I do need to learn how to sit with my thoughts more, but for now… this is what I need.

Some questions I’ve been sitting with, and maybe you have too:

How do you actually learn to enjoy time alone when it’s not the kind of alone time you wanted?

If you’ve been through a separation — how did you manage the first handover? The quiet house?

Is it OK to ask to speak to your kids when they’re with the other parent? Or should you wait for them to ask?

How did you start carving out a new rhythm in the time without your kids?

Would love to hear your experiences — feel free to drop a comment or message. I know I’m not the only one going through this.