Last time I wrote, the boys had just gone to stay with their mum for the first time since she moved out. I was trying to keep busy — gym, work, friends — and hoping it would help fill the gap.
A couple of weeks on, I’ve learned two things:
- Distraction helps, but the void is still there.
- Co-parenting feels like it’s going to be a long, messy learning curve.
It’s been a relief not having her here every day — the air feels lighter somehow — and my time with the boys has been great.
But when they’re not here? I feel adrift. I can keep myself occupied for a while but I can’t outrun the stillness forever.
It’s been a while since I last wrote. Not because nothing’s been happening — far from it — but because I’ve just been trying to get through the days.
So how have the last couple of weeks been since she left and I now only see the boys 50% of the time?
The truth: up and down.
There’s been some relief. Not having her here all the time means I don’t feel that constant tension in my own home. I do feel lighter in that way. And the time with the boys has been great — busy, full of friends, outings, and little moments I treasure. The five-year-old seems calmer, with fewer meltdowns than before… or maybe my brain is playing tricks on me. I’m not sure. I just know I love both boys more than I can put into words.
But when they’re not here? I feel lost. I’ve been trying to keep busy — gym, driving range, watching sport — and while they help, I can’t fill the massive void completely.
The Birthday “Guilt Trip”
The youngest’s birthday was a big one. His mum messaged to say she’d sort the food for the party, but might not be able to come in the morning to see him open his presents because she needed to keep the food cool. That made me sad — for her. I suggested maybe she could bring the food the night before, or come in the morning and prepare it here.
The reply? That I’d guilt-tripped her. Followed by a long list of how stressed she is, how she’s putting others first, has no savings, and is having to work and try and find work when the boys aren’t with her.
I won’t lie — I wanted to scream at her. The irony of saying my message was a guilt trip and then unloading all that on me… And all I’d been trying to do was find a way for her to be there for her son’s birthday morning.
I apologised, told her it wasn’t my intention, and left it there. But it’s hard to swallow being told I’m making her feel bad when she’s the one who made the choice to leave.
The morning itself was wonderful. The now five year old was beaming, opening presents, not remotely bothered that his mum wasn’t there because he knew he’d see her later at his party. The party was fun for him, less so for me — seeing her there, smiling and chatting away like everything in her life is fine. I know it’s partly a façade from the things she’s told me, but still, just being around her sends me into a downward spiral and I can feel the mix of hate, anger, and sadness bubble up. And then I feel guilty — she is allowed to try and be happy.
Trying to Understand
I’ve given up trying to work out what’s going on in her head though. What good does it do me anyway?
My barber reckons she’s in a depressive state and can’t see when I’m being kind and thinking of her. And my next door neighbour came round for the first time since she moved out. He said he’d seen her on moving day and that she was crying, and he assumed I was the one who ended things. When I told him it was her, he was surprised. He’d not suspected anything was wrong these last six months, which goes to show you never can tell what goes on behind closed doors.
He said that she probably doesn’t have the bandwidth at the moment to deal with messages from me and they need to be kept short and emotionless (I thought I’d done that with the birthday message, but maybe I didn’t, I don’t know — everyone I spoke to about it was shocked by her reaction to it).
Maybe he’s right. Maybe my barber’s right. But the truth is, trying to figure it out doesn’t help me.
From now on, every message I send will be short, factual, and emotionless.
The Emptiness
There were some good moments when the boys weren’t here — like spontaneously booking tickets to watch some cricket. But even there, surrounded by other families, I felt the emptiness creep in.
I kept getting stuck in the same mental loops — replaying conversations, scrolling back through old messages in my mind, trying to make sense of it all. And I’m not sleeping well, especially on the nights they’re not here.
I know I need to find a new rhythm, but right now it’s a strange mix of distraction and overthinking.
Questions for You
- How do you stop yourself from replaying old conversations and messages in your head?
- If you co-parent, how do you keep communication short and drama-free?
- What helped you cope with milestone days — like birthdays — after a separation?
- And the big one: how do you start building a life you didn’t ask for?
Dad Mode: Half Time, Full Heart 