Yesterday was the five-year-old’s birthday. The morning was full of excitement — presents, laughter, joy. He had a great time, and I loved seeing his face light up. That’s what I’ll hold onto.
But today… today has been hard.
Yesterday was about him. Today, my mind has space to wander back to the reality I’ve been trying to keep at bay.
I woke up with that heavy, hollow feeling. The house is quiet. Too quiet.
The balloons from the five-year-old’s birthday hover in the corner. The decorations are still taped to the walls. The presents are scattered across the floor, as if they’re just waiting for him to bound back in and show me how he’s using them.
I miss both boys terribly — not just for the big moments, but for the small ones. The everyday noise. The laughs. The little fights over who’s sitting where. Even the mundane routines that a part of family life, in fact, mostly the mundane routines.
Their absence has left me reflecting. On where I am. On how I got here. And on all the questions swirling around in my mind — questions I’ll never get to resolve, because she chose to walk away.
There are moments when I feel OK and realise I’m not in pieces. And then the guilt kicks in. Should I be feeling OK? Does it mean the last 17 years with her didn’t matter?
Then the sadness returns. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this sad for this long.
All I want is to be content. That’s what happiness means to me — not some adrenaline rush or perfect Instagram moment, just contentment. Appreciating what you have. Living simply. Loving the people around you.
Right now, contentment feels far away. But I have to believe it’s still possible.
At least today is Monday, which means it’s Andy’s Man Club this evening. I am so glad I found it when I did. It’s like an anchor that’s grounding me in the storm I’m going through. It’s a constant in my life when everything else feels like it’s in turmoil. For any man, going through any storm of their own, I would highly recommend it, it really is a life saver.
What about you?
- What small, everyday things do you miss the most when someone you love isn’t around?
- How do you cope with the quiet when it feels too loud?
Dad Mode: Half Time, Full Heart 