Last night’s Andy’s Man Club was great again. There’s something powerful about simply being able to talk about what you’re going through — and hearing from and talking to people who are walking a similar path makes me feel less alone.
I even got a better night’s sleep, though I’m still playing white noise at night to dull the thoughts that loop endlessly in my head.
This afternoon, the boys are coming back to stay with me for a few days. I’ve been looking forward to it so much. But this morning… I’ve struggled. I’ve felt demotivated and couldn’t bring myself to do much. I managed a short 15-minute walk and a trip to the supermarket, but beyond that, it’s been tough.
The five-year-old was out with his mum this morning, playing with a remote-controlled boat he got for his birthday. He asked her to send me a video of him playing with it — and she did. It made me happy to see him having fun. But it also triggered something.
I want to be there. I want to be part of those little moments. And it’s unfair that I’m not. The sadness hit hard and the tears came. Because what can I do about it? Nothing. And that’s why I hate her so much.
They’ll be here in half an hour, so I need to pull myself together. And I will — because when they’re here, it’s easy to enjoy the time. They’re so much fun. Tomorrow we’re off on a day out with my sister and her kids, and maybe Thursday we’ll just have a chill day. Don’t want to wear them out too much over the summer holidays.
For now, I just need to focus on the next few hours — and the joy of having them back in the house.
Questions for you
Have you ever found joy and sadness tangled together in the same moment?
On the mornings when it’s hard to get going, what helps you take that first step?
If you’ve had to spend time apart from your children, how did you cope with the ache of missing the small, everyday moments?
When life feels overwhelming, do you find it more comforting to focus on the little things right in front of you, or to remind yourself of the bigger picture?
Dad Mode: Half Time, Full Heart 