This morning, the 9-year-old noticed I’d taken some wedding photos down from the wall.
“Where are they?” he asked.
I told him we still had them, but since we’re not going to be married anymore, I didn’t want them up.
“Wait, what? Are you getting divorced?”
I explained that yes, we will be. That made him sad. I told him it’s okay to be sad — I’m sad, and so is mummy. I reminded him we both love him and that we’ll always be his mum and dad, no matter what. And that if he ever has questions, he can always ask us. He took a few minutes to process it, but seemed okay. I think as long as I keep reassuring them both that they’re going to be okay, that’s all I can do.
It’s clear, that however well we broke the news to the boys three weeks ago (wow, have three weeks really passed already, it seems like yesterday?) in the worst conversation I’ve ever had, they haven’t fully processed yet what is happening, and nor would I expect them to. Hell, I’m still here 6 months later trying to work it out and I’m meant to be the adult, so it’s no surprise a 9 year old is trying to work it out too.
The rest of the day was much lighter. We met my sister and her two kids at an adventure farm. Played crazy golf, petted rabbits and guinea pigs, tackled the easiest maze in the world, watched piglet races, and had a run-around in both the outdoor and indoor play areas. The boys were as good as gold, and we had a genuinely fun day.
Tonight I wondered if she’d message to ask to talk to the boys — but like yesterday, she didn’t. They didn’t ask either, so I left it. Still, I find it strange. I can’t imagine not wanting to check in with them, even for a couple of minutes, just to say goodnight. When they’re not with me, I always want them to know I’m thinking of them.
To be clear, I’m not painting her as a bad mother — she’s not. She’s wonderful with them when they’re together and it’s important that they spend time with both of us, but I just don’t understand her thinking. As I keep reminding myself, there’s no point trying to though. All I can control is me, and my relationship with the boys.
Questions for you:
- If you’re co-parenting, do you check in with your kids when they’re with their other parent? How often feels right?
- Have you ever had to explain divorce to your kids? How did you approach it?
- How do you handle it when a co-parent’s style or choices don’t make sense to you?
Dad Mode: Half Time, Full Heart 