This morning felt heavy. I woke up with the weight of knowing the boys will be gone for the next four days.
How am I supposed to fill that time? Can I see it as an opportunity to focus on myself? It’s hard to frame it that way when the truth is, this isn’t what I want. Part of me just wants to lie down and do nothing.
We got haircuts and stopped at the park for a while, but it’s too hot today so didn’t stay long — or maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s my lack of enthusiasm rather than the weather.
Back at home, I played with the 5-year-old and his new birthday toys. He’s loving making homemade slime — I think we have enough to open a small shop now. The 9-year-old stayed glued to his computer only peeling himself away to cook his lunch — I love that about him, how he wants to do things for himself and learn how to cook.
Later, I went upstairs to pack their bags. I found myself holding back tears, knowing that in a couple of hours I’ll miss them more than I can explain. But I also know I need to recharge. This morning I felt distant from them, my mind already tangled up in the thought of them leaving.
As soon as I got in the car after dropping them off, I cried. Will that ever get easier? I hope so. But how? When?
I messaged a few friends to see if anyone was free to meet up, but everyone’s busy, and of course they are — they’ve got their own lives. Fair enough, but it still feels lonely. Tomorrow I’m off to meet up with a friend and will stay the night, so at least I won’t be on my own all weekend.
In the evening I went to the driving range. Again. Not because I was desperate to go, but because I didn’t want to sit at home doing nothing. I enjoyed it in a quiet way, but really it was just a way to fill the hours. You’d think with the number of hours I’ve spent there in the last few months I’d be getting good, but I still have no idea what I’m doing. My golf balls seem to have a mind of their own—most of them are on a mission to explore every corner of the range except the one I’m aiming for. Still, it keeps my mind occupied, even if only for a short while.
Before bed I rang the boys, just to say goodnight and tell them I love them. Always.
Dad Mode: Half Time, Full Heart 