It’s felt like a long stretch without the boys.
This weekend hit me harder than the ones before. I woke up on Saturday with zero motivation. I told myself I’d go to the gym, but I didn’t. Instead, I just sat around waiting for the time to pass. That’s the part I hate most about being in the house when they’re not here — the waiting. Every corner is a reminder of them: their toys, their bedrooms, even the snacks they’ve left in the pantry.
I’m grateful we haven’t had to sell the house and uproot them even more, but at the same time, it makes moving forward harder. This is their home, but it’s also full of reminders of what was.
At times I’ve felt abandoned. By her. By some friends who haven’t checked in. Rationally, I know they’re just busy with their own lives, but when your mind’s not in the best place, it plays tricks on you. You start to wonder if anyone really cares, and the loneliness feels heavier.
I went up to see a friend and his family on Saturday afternoon and stayed overnight. It was good to catch up, but also poignant. Watching his kids doing all the everyday things — playing, squabbling, refusing to eat their tea — just reminded me of what I’m missing out on. The good and the bad, the messy and the ordinary.
On Sunday, I came home and managed to summon the motivation to play my first round of golf in nearly 10 years. It was enjoyable and nearly managed to get a birdie on the 17th, which I was pretty chuffed with, but coming home afterwards wasn’t so great. The empty house felt even emptier. I grabbed a takeaway curry because, truthfully, I really struggle to cook just for myself.
Another friend messaged me out of the blue to see if I fancied meeting up with him and some other friends, but I’d already picked up the curry, so I didn’t join them, but it was nice to be thought of. Hopefully next time.
I didn’t get to speak to the boys Sunday — apparently their mum didn’t notice my message. Do I believe that, I don’t know, but what can I do? They were busy anyway, having fun with their cousin, so maybe they wouldn’t have wanted to talk anyway. Still, it would’ve been nice.
Monday morning was tough. Really tough. I struggled to get out of bed, feeling sad and heavy. I kept thinking back to when the eldest asked about the wedding photos and where they’d gone and how I told him it was sad, that I was sad and so was mummy. But then I think of how she has told them we’re living apart so we’re “happier.” Which is it? I can’t lie. Maybe she’ll be happier. I’m not.
But last night, speaking to the boys before Andy’s Man Club, I felt better. The eldest showed me a note he’d made of all the swear words he knows. 😂 It was a long list! He said he’d written them down because he’d heard grandma and his mum swearing, so he decided it was his turn. His cheeky grin cheered me up instantly.
At Andy’s Man Club, we spoke about loneliness. I cried. It helped hearing others share their experiences, even if their reasons were different. A reminder that loneliness wears many faces, and no one finds it easy.
So yeah, it’s been a long few days. Some heavy lows, a few smiles, and a lot of waiting for the boys to come back.
They’ll be back in a few hours and then we’re off to my mum’s for a week. It’s going to be fun!
Questions for you
How do you handle the quiet, empty spaces when those you love aren’t around?
And if you’ve ever battled loneliness, what helps you through it?
Dad Mode: Half Time, Full Heart 