Dad Mode: Half Time, Full Heart

Well, it’s been a while since I last posted, so excuse what will likely be a rambling post. A lot has happened since then, there’s been the inevitable ups and downs, but I’ve started to feel a bit more like my normal self. I think that’s perhaps why I haven’t been writing as much; I’ve been OK. And when I haven’t felt great I’ve either got through it or not had the time to write about it here.

I don’t want to get out of the habit of writing, as it I know it’s good for me, so let’s go, let the rambling begin…

A Week With The Boys

Last time I wrote I was looking forward to spending a week with the boys down at my mums and honestly it was fun and the time flew by.

It started with me holding back tears as I got stuff ready and packed to travel down, that feeling of loneliness taking over, but once we were in the car and away I enjoyed it. Both the boys made me laugh with their sense of fun and humour. I love spending time with them.

During the week we went golfing, spent a day at an adventure park, went swimming, made fresh pasta, played games, went toy shopping, had water fights, had a BBQ with their cousins and plenty more.

I especially enjoyed spending one on one time with the eldest when his brother had gone to sleep. He’s at such a great age at the moment (not that he hasn’t ever been great). He’s a mix of wanting to be independent and still wanting to do stuff with me; growing up, but still a child; showing his personality, but still working out who he is; funny, kind, but also mean to his little brother every now and again!

There were a few less enjoyable moments. Both the boys expressed in their own way how they weren’t enjoying moving between different houses and sleeping in different beds. I want to say it’s because your mum is being selfish and thinking of herself rather than her children, but of course I don’t. I let them know things will get easier, especially once she’s in her new apartment (whenever that may be) and they’re back at school with more of a routine. But I hate that they have to even deal with this. The majority of the time, they are absolutely fine, happy and care free, but it really hits when they’re not.

Anyway, we had a lovely 7 days and it was nice having my mum with me to share the load.

A Week Without The Boys

In contrast, the next 7 days weren’t great. As soon as they left with their mum I felt an immediate sense of emptiness. It was horrible without the boys; the heartache of not being with them.

And when I messaged her to see if the boys were around to say good night, she replied that she wanted to stop the texts and calls so the boys can settle without pressure. I can see her point a bit, but when they have been with me and talked with her they settle fine and aren’t disturbed by it at all. I think it’s one I’ve just got to swallow, but it really hurts. I just want to feel connected to them when they’re not here and to let them know I’m always thinking of them.

I’ve always tried to live my life with as little stress as possible and this is one long stress that I struggle to see getting better. Trying to communicate with her about simple things has been stressful. I’ve been reading a book about attachment styles in adult relationships and I think she is avoidant and doesn’t want to deal with things.

She also took the boys away for a few days to go glamping, but the only reason I knew about it was because the boys talked to me about it when they were with me. I would have thought she would have let me know, out of courtesy if nothing else, but I got nothing. I messaged her later to say we should try and come up with a parenting plan and when one of us takes the boys away from home we should let the other parent know, which she agreed with, but still failed to tell me that she’d taken them away or where they’d been. Again, another one to swallow.

I did manage to meet up with a few friends over the 7 days, but sometimes I found it really hard to have conversations with people. I’m questioning everything I say, even inconsequential things, but sometimes the anxiety of where I am gets too much.

One evening I met up with a friend, but had to come home after an hour as I wasn’t feeling great. Later in the week I met up with another friend and only planned to go out for a couple of hours, but I ended up having a night out and I enjoyed it. It was the first time I’d been on a night out all year. I’m proud of myself on both occasions for recognising how I was feeling and looking after myself.

A Loss Of My Cool

When they got back the youngest clinged to me like a limpet. He barely left my side. Of course I didn’t mind one bit, it was great to have them back.

However…

I lost my cool with him at one point. He’d been winding his brother up all day and whining and moaning about nothing, when he started arguing over a small cardboard box that his brother had. Well the accumulation of the stress from throughout the day spilled out and I lost my cool with him and shouted at him, something I very rarely do. They both got upset and his brother ran off to hide in the garden as he thought I was angry with him when he’d done nothing wrong (and he hates being falsely accused of anything). I felt awful about it. It’s not their fault that I felt so on edge that day, but it all spilled out.

I managed to reassure them both and calm them down and even had a chat with the youngest about why I got so angry with his behaviour. And since then he has improved – the majority of the time he is wonderful and I do have to remind myself that he’s only 5!

Back To School

The boys finally went back to school in the second week of September and I had mixed feelings about it. It would mean we’d have more of a routine, but it would also mean I saw less of them.

The last 3 weeks though have probably been the best I’ve had since this all began. I’ve felt more settled and more motivated. I’ve been able to concentrate better at work, I’ve started cooking more things from scratch, I’m back at the gym and I did my first ever 5km parkrun.

We even went to their grandmas field at the weekend together for the first time this year. They’ve been going with their mum, but I haven’t seen her mum properly since last Christmas. The boys love it there, especially the eldest, as they can get stuck in clearing out the chickens and ducks, collecting eggs, helping with the sheep and horses and todays job was fixing some fence posts. And when we left, I got a hug from her. Something I don’t think I’ve ever had from her in 17 years. I do wonder what she thinks about everything that’s happened, but it doesn’t really matter – it was nice to see her and for the boys to see us together.

I think I’ll end there on a positive. There’s plenty more I could write, but I’ll leave that for another day.