So what prompted me to write my last post after a few weeks away?
The summer holidays were so full on — both when the boys were with me and when they weren’t — that I just didn’t have the energy to put my thoughts into words. Then September came, school started again, and for the first time in months I felt like I was making real progress.
Routine has helped. I’ve been able to immerse myself in work, I’ve carved out time for myself, and — maybe most importantly — I’ve been thinking about her less and less. That felt like a step forward.
But last Friday caught me off guard. She came to pick the boys up wearing make-up, which she hardly ever does. I didn’t say anything, but our eldest noticed straight away: “You’ve been out. Where have you been?” She was a bit evasive and just said she’d met a friend for coffee.
It shouldn’t have hit me the way it did, but it literally knocked the wind out of me.
Rationally, I know she could have been meeting anyone — a friend, someone about work — but my mind inevitably thought she must be seeing someone. And I hate that it bothered me. It feels like being discarded all over again.
The truth is, she didn’t do anything wrong. She wasn’t trying to provoke me. This was just me getting caught up in the stories my own head is telling.
I have made progress, but clearly I’m not detached yet. I can still get knocked down easily.
I went for a walk to clear my head (I had planned on the gym, but lost motivation). And I tried to remind myself of what my sister said: her life isn’t all wonderful and better.
And even if she is moving on in her own way, that doesn’t change what I need to do — keep moving forward, however hard it sometimes feels.
Writing here will help me to do that.
Dad Mode: Half Time, Full Heart 