Dad Mode: Half Time, Full Heart

Well, it’s been a while…

And honestly, I’ve been okay. Good in fact. I’ve been really enjoying my time with the boys, laughing, playing, cooking, and making each other laugh. Yes, there are tough moments when they’re both upset about something at the same time, and I’m stuck in the middle, but those times are fleeting. I know they’ll pass, and I know it won’t be long before we’re back to our happy equilibrium.

I definitely feel stronger and closer to being myself again, but for some reason today I felt down.

I think it’s a culmination of things.

Firstly, the boys came round after school today to pick their things up to take to their mum’s. It all seemed so routine for them. They walked in, picked their stuff up, gave me a hug, said ‘bye’, and off they went. It’s good that they’re adapting to their new normality, but it still feels alien to me. I watch them go, and I can’t help but feel a twinge of sadness.

Secondly, the Christmas holidays were busy, and they spent the majority of the two weeks off with me, so their absence feels even starker. Those two weeks were filled with laughter and joy, and now the quiet that has settled into the house is almost deafening. They’ll be back in two days, and then we’ll have the weekend together, yet I felt empty and cried for the first time in a couple of months when they went. The longing to have them around is powerful, and I realise just how much they fill my life with light and purpose.

I know I need the time on my own to recharge, but being away from the boys is always hard. It’s like a part of me is missing when they’re not here.

When this whole thing kicked off around this time last year, I knew within a year or two I would be okay. I knew, with time, I would return to being my happy, content self. And I could feel that happening over the last few months. However, I don’t know if I’ll ever find it easier being away from the boys. It’s as hard now as it’s always been.

I have a couple of things lined up to do for myself on weekends when the boys aren’t here, though. It’s something I need to do more of, but finding the motivation to plan ahead isn’t always easy. I often push those thoughts to the back of my mind, focused instead on what they might need or what I could do with them, justifying my own needs as secondary. But I know it’s essential for my well-being.

In a couple of weeks, I’m heading off to the Lake District for a couple of nights to walk, relax, and recharge. I’m looking forward to the experience of being surrounded by nature, the fresh air, and hopefully some peace within myself. At the end of the month, I’m meeting up with a group of friends for an afternoon/evening in the pub. I know that reconnecting with friends will help lift my spirits and remind me of the joy life can bring beyond the immediate.

I’m genuinely looking forward to both plans. I know just six months ago, I’d not have wanted or been able to do either, so when I have days like today, I need to remember how far I’ve come and realise I won’t feel like this forever and that tomorrow is another day.